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Bi-girls with anxiety
Which came first
the ‘bi’
or the ‘z’?

Anxiety buzz buzz buzz
So much stress,
so much worry,
always runnin’ off in a hurry

Remember my first time
with a woman
Couldn’t believe my luck
A beautiful woman in the crowd
Chose me
unexpectedly plucked

Staring down at her curves
Knew I had uncovered a secret
Divine femininity
Men alone, can’t keep this

They are undeserving of this ecstatic beauty
Surrendered entirely
In her arms
My religious duty

A new lease on life
Heterophobia out of sight
Not fear of men & women dating
Phobia of men stealing time
-from me,
rejecting heteronormativity

We laughed and danced
All night
Me and my new sainted wife
A new sexuality chanced
Thanks to London’s nightlife

For the first time ever
Sex was a joint ownership
I wasn’t performing,
Not watching myself
Thinking how should I angle my hips?

Lost in a blur,
Explosion of senses best described with
Slurs of words describing drunk happiness
Knowing it doesn’t get better than this

But that was bed
That was delusion
In the real world
There’s only confusion

I had solved it
The mystery was dead
A big bold question mark no longer
Lay between me and the men in my bed

Girls want something but are wary
A Jane to their Mary
C was unsure and scared
My commitment to the
cause wasn’t shared

Idle doubts
Are all I hear from bi-girl’s mouths
Not saying they’re bad,
not saying they’re flawed
But this chronic anxiety would test a demigod

I love bi-girls,
they like me too
Them and their boyfriends

a heavenly pairing
His brute machismo,
am I even comparing?

Bi-girls, boyfriends and agitation
So pretty and anxious
Maybe it’s caused
By the men they’re dating?

Listen here, boy
When she talks about you
Says her mentals been in decline
Since y’alls rendezvous

Bro, it feels like we’re dating
I can’t do anything
Without hearing about
How this – and that time – you were hating

Guess we’re a trio then
You-me-her
Boy-girl-girl
Now, that’s a heavenly order
Do in-laws prefer thot-son or gay daughter?

Not gonna lie
In dating these women
I’ve found a profound issue
With the word ‘WHY’

So, that’s why I ask
Which is first ‘bi’ or ‘z’
Because dealing with these constant anxious doubts
Comes with a costly fee

To my mental health
And my sense of worth
When you project
all your hurt

On me
Fight nights
Paying for his shirked responsibilities
What did I do
What did I say
Is your anger
about something
From back in the day?

So, I ask ‘WHY’
I need to know
What’s going on in your head
How’d you feel deep below?

B said she wish she knew
Stress was an issue since 10 and two
You could see the years gone by
Blurred eyes
A tear fell
Everytime she didn’t know why

She was sweet
Very kind
Too young, I thought
To know her mind

So I dated older
Immy had a chip on her shoulder
I thought the answer would be easier
To find

But when I asked that three letter word
Her demeanour turned
I was punished
For digging any further

Those Z’s chased me down the road
Boomerangs spinning,
unnerved
I felt the mental load
as ricochets curved

Bi-girls, bi-girls don’t mean any hate
I was once like y’all
stuck on a date
Telling a man ‘i like girls,
Is that weird to say?’

He replies ‘Nah,
What a wonderful day.
perhaps some exploration,
throw these worries away,
I know,
let’s fuck your friend May!’

Threesomes alone cannot fix
this mental distress
Patriarchal standards confuse the way
We dress
and address each other
in this sexual marketplace

Why does there need to be a male/female
Dynamic in our lesbian space
Two women sitting across deciding
Which one is Kendrick
who is the Drake?

There is pain in loving these wistful women:
their beauty,
their smiles,
their tendency for leaving

I was once G, Immy and B
That’s why I forgive
It could have been me
But, maybe don’t date
If you don’t know yourself?
It’s good to try therapy
Go, get some help.

—Christina ODL.