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Dear El,

Much of this journey treading through life has involved you spending way too much time in your head. You think and feel deeply and emotionally, sometimes too much for your own good.

You’ve cried over epic heartbreaks, unbearable losses, and insanely traumatic experiences. Sometimes you think about what once was and blame yourself for everything that goes wrong. Most times in those cases there’d be no one left to take the blame but you.

And you’ve taken the blame each time.

Although every time hit harder than the last, you mustered enough strength to move on. You also started the process to healing with a much too heavy heart, and graciously forgave those who didn’t deserve it.

You’ve forgiven them, now it’s time to forgive yourself too.

You’re much stronger than you know and have faced more trauma than you’d like to admit. You did all of that alone. But your greatest downfall is not allowing yourself to heal from it. Instead, you’ve let it consume you.

No one knows you better than you know yourself, so I’m sure you’re aware of how hard you’ve been fighting, even if you don’t fully realize it. You’re still learning and growing after every experience. You know better now than you did when you were 18.

But in knowing better, you’ve changed.

You’ve closed yourself off. You’ve limited yourself to the possibility of ever being free from burdens you’ve carried and from happiness you don’t believe is attainable. But it’s possible; more than possible.

But none of that can happen if you don’t forgive yourself for everything you went through.

For all the nights you cried yourself to sleep. For all the times you opened up to those you trusted and instantly regretted it. For all the anger, pain, and sadness you feel. For all the people who’ve wronged you. For all the toxic behaviour you put up with. For all the emotional numbness you’ve experienced. For all the apologies you didn’t get. For all the love you didn’t receive. For all the neglect and embarrassment. For all the mistakes. For everything — out of your control and within it.

I forgive you. I love you and I’m sorry.

—closing letter to El, an excerpt from When Drifting, She Dreams (2020)