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Dear B,

You’re never going to fucking read this because I blocked you on Snapchat and also moved out of the country, so you never had the opportunity to get my new number because I blocked you when I had my old one.

But if I could tell your ass off again, here is exactly what I would fucking say:

I hate you. So fucking much, I do.

I didn’t think I had enough capacity or space in my heart to hate anybody, but that was until I crossed paths with you.

You changed my perspective on everything I could think about when dating: how I perceive people, how I love and view love, how I trust, how I view physical and sexual intimacy, who I let in and when, if I’m even capable of letting myself be vulnerable with someone else and not be utterly paranoid that they’ll take advantage of me like you did.

You’ll never be able to comprehend, or even understand in that pea-sized fucking brain of yours what you took away from me. Or how much you changed me. Or how hard I spiralled after being with you.

If there was a realm below the deepest pits of hell, that’s where I was.

My hardest battle was finding the love and trust that I had for myself before I met you. Fuck, did that take a lot of work. I practically had to rewire my brain…remind myself that what happened between us wasn’t my fault.

It was you who refused to take accountability. You who used your substance abuse and alcohol addiction as an excuse for your actions. You who created and used a masterclass in gaslighting and manipulation to treat me the way you did.

And still, through the hell you dragged me through, all I did was try to be there for you.

So when I finally decided to leave your ass in my rearview, it was your lack of accountability and remorse that I took with me. Because I never got closure from you, I had to create my own. And even so, I blamed myself for months for letting you get away with everything you did, something I had to unlearn in therapy many months after I put you behind me.

Though I’m much better now and healing every day, I’ll confess there are still remnants of the pain you inflicted on me that are present in the version of me that exists today. An unfortunate truth to admit, but such is life when wounds created by someone else don’t heal properly or perfectly.

If happiness ever finds its way to you, I hope that it’s short-lived. I wish for you to spend what would feel like an eternity with an ounce of the pain that I lived with in the aftermath of you. And even that’s being generous, because I know you deserve so much more.

Whatever bad things await you, I know karma will take care of the rest.

—El