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From the Notes | January 11, 2025 at 5:01PM

i’m grieving the idea of you.

mourning over the future i thought i had with you – what seemed so tangible just a few months ago. but dangerously, i had a few months lead time to populate who i wanted you to be and who i dreamt you might be in my head before i even met you. i romanticized an idea of who you were and wanted so badly to be the reality i was set to walk into.

naive? incredibly. but the reality wasn’t that far from the fantasy.

for a minute, i thought highly of you – thought you handled yourself maturely – so if we were to meet an end – i imagined it would go so much differently than it did.

but i’ll be honest, i didn’t expect not having you around. not having you a part of my life.

i didn’t anticipate the end of our story, or how quickly our chapter would close. i didn’t expect the silence, or my words to fall on deaf ears. i didn’t expect you to invalidate my feelings or to be discarded like we didn’t have any kind of history. i didn’t expect to be treated like a joke, or taken for a fucking fool.

i wasn’t expecting how stupid i’d feel when explaining to friends what happened between us, laughing it off like i normally do, as if you didn’t really mean anything to me. or how much of an idiot i’d feel looking back at some of the things you did and question what intentions you had. or how often i’d catch myself read and reread our old text messages in the first few weeks of moving on from you, often asking myself: “what the fuck happened to us? how did we end up here?”

there was no part of me that mattered to you...a brutal and harsh lesson to learn, but i realize that now.

and it’s sad to sit with because you’ll never realize, and i guess you’ll never know, that there was a part of you that mattered to me.