Time for another one of these things already, eh?

Honestly, I thought June went by in a blur but really, I should’ve saved that for July. What fucking happened over the last 31 days??????

Firstly, shoutout to caffeine because I don’t think I would’ve survived the month if I didn’t have access to it and wasn’t injecting that shit in my veins every 5 seconds, so cheers.

July was truly a month of reflection – where I’ve been, where I am now, where I’m going, and the intense (and traumatic) experiences that have brought me to this era of my life. Having confronted and unpacked a lot of these events in recent therapy sessions, I realized one very important thing: I should not fucking be here right now.

My therapist now knows the brunt of everything that I have endured over the last two decades of revolving around the sun, but she pointed out to me that even after my toughest battle or most traumatic, dehumanizing experience, I bounced back. In her words, “it really speaks volumes about your resiliency and your ability to move on from things that have hurt you.“

Which I think says a lot, because I wholeheartedly believe that if I didn’t have that characteristic in me, I would not be here right now. Looking back at all of it, I really shouldn’t be.

But I am.

And I think that’s what’s really special about my birth month – I tend to do a lot of deep thinking and soul-searching, especially when my birthday comes and goes.

I am now in my mid-twenties (fucking JUMP scare fr), a year older, a year wiser, and a year bloody hotter (and that’s not just because the weather in London is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced back in Toronto).

But that doesn’t mean I know what I’m doing because I still don’t. I’m still trying to kick the foreigner’s stigma of living in a new city, country, and continent I’d never previously visited. I’m still trying to get used to the idea of calling London and England home (come 2026 World Cup, I will have a fourth country to root for should we qualify). I’m still figuring out the culture while trying not to lose the cultural identity that I grew up knowing and loving. I’m still figuring out my finances and how less frequent paycheques (you get paid monthly here if you’re full-time, not biweekly) could finance upcoming trips around Europe that I want to take, while also navigating a new and expensive economy.

I’m still figuring out how I fit in here.

Historically, this country doesn’t have the best relationship with people who look like me (being a Black female migrant), and I always have to shake the feeling of potentially experiencing outward racism whenever I’m out and about, living my life, and minding my business.

Thus far, it hasn’t happened (just a few microaggressions here and there), but that doesn’t mean it won’t and I’m still trying to figure out how to go about that should I find myself in that situation (in fucking 2024 it’s truly outrageous, but we live among people who are stuck in some very fucked up, traditional ways of life and thinking in every corner of the world).

But all in all, I’m truly just winging it.

I’m doing me right now. I’m working (and navigating a new corporate culture and standard and set of colleagues), I’m growing into myself, I’m healing, I’m dating (which after my last very painful, traumatic, and insidious experience is something I didn’t think I had it in me to try again, still not in a relationship but even the willingness to let someone into my life was something I had convinced myself I wasn’t gonna do again so…go me). I’m still taking myself out on dates, but also trying things that scare me or are out of my comfort zone. I’m embracing being adventurous and spontaneous.

And most importantly (the central theme of this month and this month’s letter): I’m reflecting on what it took to get me here. And with that, I’m letting myself and others give me praise and flowers without uncomfortably telling them to stop or casually downplaying my own accomplishments.

This adulting shit is not easy.

And I realized this when I became a working adult that n o b o d y has their shit figured out. You don’t turn 18 and suddenly everything in life makes sense and all the pieces of the puzzle start fitting together.

Anybody that says they know exactly what they’re doing is lying out of their ass. Sure, we know what we’re doing right now but we’re still scared for what that might look like in the future.

Life gets messier.

And I didn’t take my parents or my sisters seriously when they were warning me about adulthood because I was too young to understand, too naive to see the picture, and too eager to grow up and live my life independently.

But it’s also not something that you can prepare for, it all just happens.

…I learned very quickly that I should’ve eaten my words when I was young instead of manifesting them.

I guess in wrapping this letter up, I have the affirmations app I am on my phone and the affirmation that popped up this morning resonated more today than it would’ve if it had been sent at the start of July. It said:

I am proud of all the bad days I have survived.

It resonated because without those bad days, I wouldn’t be here. And in an absolutely fucked, full circle way, I’m grateful for them.

ED out x.

State of London: this month’s grievances

• dust
• STILL slow walkers on the tube platform when you’re just trying to get to a comfortable spot and those that stop in the entryway of the platform instead of moving out of the fucking way
• the fact that there’s no such thing as a designated side on the sidewalks in this city – everyone just walks wherever they want
• the water in london not agreeing with my skin
• acne scarring and hyperpigmentation
• emotions
• the fact that it’s a sin to not walk fast when you have nowhere urgently to be in london
• maple leaf (the canadian themed pub in covent garden) being so stereotypically canadian
• london weather being more intense than other cities (why tf is 28° here so different from 28° in toronto…someone explain this to me pls)
• netless windows
• the fact that it gets so disrespectfully hot at night even with the fan on and the window open
• shrinkage, specifically in black hair (someone explain the science behind this and why i always have to dedicate at least an hour to blow dry my hair)
• uber eats surge delivery fees
• the british museum
• foreign currency exchange rates
• date jitters
• tube line delays and closures
• the weirdos who wear jackets when it is clearly hot as fuck outside, especially those who wear them ON THE TUBE

*PS: Tube line count is now 12 – Jubliee line and London Overground have entered the mix, and I still have not taken the bus for anyone who gives a fuck

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Listen to: Lying to You // Keaton Henson

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