london letters: chapter one

Not me starting a new blog series I might not commit to 🫣

In all honesty, I’m really doing this for myself. Ironically, I brought a journal with me to London (gifted by some friends of mine as a going-away present), but I didn’t bring a pen (and for some reason can’t seem to find any in my flat and am too lazy to find a store that sells pens…among many stores they don’t have a Staples here lol).

Then I realized, why document it in a notebook for only my eyes to read when I have a whole blog that I pay for and can scream my thoughts into the void of the internet?

I’m not too sure if any of y’all actually fucking read this thing (and I don’t really care if you do or don’t), but I know there were a few people that told me they couldn’t wait to see all the UK tomfoolery I’d get up to and this is probably the best way I can document it without boring you with Instagram stories all the time.

So where do I even begin?

We’re nearing almost 3 months here (which I find a little baffling) and I’ve only recently started to feel homesick like I’d never felt it before. Of course, there was a wave of homesickness that hit after the first few weeks of living here but because I was focused (practically wired) on my career and finding my next role, I didn’t feel it as intensely as I do now.

This feeling is so much different.

I think because I’m realizing that this is what it’s like to be on your own and truly be alone. When I lived in Toronto, sure I lived on my own but I still had friends and family within reach. More than half of my friends and colleagues lived in the downtown core like I did (a couple subway or streetcar stops away) and my family could be reached within an hour train ride on the GO.

I lived in convenient independence.

But now?

I don’t live close to a soul that I know. All of the people that I do know are located in UK cities that aren’t London (shoutout to Leeds, Liverpool, and the town my uncle lives in that I can’t remember the name of currently).

I’ll be honest, it’s been a really difficult change that I’ve only now started grappling with. I have to put in a lot of effort into catching up with the people I love via text, or phone call, if you’re my mother or father WhatsApp lol. I send voice messages a lot more now. I feel like I have to check in with my people a lot more now. I’m still absolutely shit at answering my DMs and my texts, so I have to actively work on changing that (still require at least 10-12 business days folks).

Timezones are also very much a thing!!! So when I’m starting my day, odds are my people are still sleeping (or maybe they’re awake but who the fuck wants to talk to anybody at 5am?).

I knew this change in my life was coming when I decided to move to the UK. I even accepted it because I’ve always thought of myself as an independent person (even my family will agree), but no amount of anticipation can prepare you for the way you’ll actually feel in the moment.

Sometimes it feels great — on nights when I’m home alone and I’m making myself dinner, I put a Spotify playlist I made on shuffle and blast it at an obnoxious volume, singing at the top of my lungs and dancing around my kitchen like the weirdo I am because no one’s fucking watching (and even if people were, I wouldn’t give a fuck – watch on bitch). It’s the most liberating feeling in the world, knowing I am the person solely responsible for bringing this experience to life and allowing myself to free-fall into the abyss of self-discovery, growth, and the wildly intriguing realm of the unknown.

But sometimes it feels like absolute cat shit. Like the worst decision I could’ve ever made.

I can’t even count how many times I’ve had to talk myself out of thinking I’m crazy for willingly subjecting myself to feeling so alone. But I bounce back by reminding myself that this is the challenge I wanted: to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Not only getting comfortable in my own skin but getting comfortable in a new environment that can absolutely remind you that you’re a foreigner every time you leave your flat. I need to get comfortable with the concept of making friends again as an adult (which is very hard by the way). I need to get comfortable with discovering new go-to places and favourites (coffee shops, restaurants, bookstores, museums, hidden gems for when people come to visit you or when you’re bored and have nothing to do).

But above all, I need to get comfortable with the woman I’m becoming. And that part’s probably the scariest, but also the most exciting.

Nobody knows me here, which means in a way I get to start over and leave every ounce of trauma and baggage with the woman (the old me) I left in Canada.

Already, I’ve:

💫 taken myself out on a couple solo dates (including many hot girl walks)

💫 done as many of the London touristy shit I can do on my own peacefully (before I have to do them again when friends and family come to visit me)

💫 familiarized myself with the city’s outrageous public transit system (as of today I have taken 7 different tube lines) and the local stores needed to live a regular day-to-day life as a Londoner

I’ve even dipped my toes into the new dating pool of singles (don’t get too excited friends, it’s no different than Toronto and the men still kinda* suck).

It’s one thing to try something new, but it’s different when you’re doing it in a place you’re not exactly an expert. I don’t know London like the back of my hand like I do with Toronto (at least not yet anyway), but I think eventually I’ll get there.

It’s been really daunting putting myself out there. And though I consider myself to be confident, it does take a whole new level of confidence to approach things and people you’ve never encountered before.

I had to channel that energy when I went out with some of my colleagues for the first time the other night. To catch you up (if you haven’t been following me on Unfiltered or social media), I started a new job a few weeks ago as a Senior Account Executive at an entertainment publicity agency, but because of how busy it’s been (and boy has it been fucking busy), I haven’t had many opportunities to mingle and get to know the new group of people I work with every day.

Since my first day on team international (my specific area of work), I’ve been working on some of the titles that premiered at Cannes Film Festival earlier last week – the true definition of hitting the ground running. Now that Cannes is over and we’ve all moved on to our upcoming film projects, junkets, etc., I now have the opportunity to get to know people a little bit better and maybe go out and socialize.

So just last night, that was exactly what I did. All tired and drained from the busyness of the work day, I went to bar night — a weekly pub-inspired social that my work hosts in the office every Thursday night when the work day is done and drinks are free for the first hour — thinking that was where my evening would start and end, but I was quickly invited to karaoke by a few other account executives/interns. Knowing that I needed to go out more and experience London for everything that it is with other people outside of my roommates (instead of spending every waking hour at home), I had no excuse to say no.

So instead of heading south on the Victoria line like I always do on my commutes home, I headed North and went to this cute little bowling alley/arcade/karaoke bar concoction called Rowans just outside of Finsbury Park station, and I actually had a blast.

Spent so much of the night being a backup singer, hype woman, choir member, at times lead singer, and pretend overzealous fan that I was absolutely exhausted by the time I got back on the tube to go home. But I discovered that night, that I work with some extremely fun and cool people and it gave me hope that maybe finding friends in this city isn’t a complete lost cause, it’s just gonna take some time and I have to be comfortable (see the point here?) with the times where I’ll feel a little lonely and friendless.

As for my new life as a Senior Account Exec? Let this be a warning to not just me but to all to buckle the fuck up because something tells me I’m about to be a lot busier than I realize throughout the summer and heading into the fall. I’ve been hearing there are a lot of titles and festivals on the horizon for me to get my hands dirty in, and honestly? I’m looking forward to being busy again.

Sure, I miss the stagnancy a bit, not having to be online during the work week by 9:30am, and not having to wake up twice a week to go into the office (huge downscale from the dreadful 4 days a week that was enforced while I was employed in Canada…and I am eternally grateful to only be in 2 days now). But if I’m being completely transparent with y’all, I could barely enjoy the few weeks of unemployment I had when I moved here because I was so stressed about finding a job.

Every. Fucking. Day. I would eat, sleep, and breathe job applications, and networking emails, and calls with recruiters, and subjected myself to hours on my MacBook doing research on companies (hiring for full-time AND part-time positions) and sending cold email after cold email. It was fucking torture.

So yeah, I love having a job. And so far, I’m loving this job. And though I’ve been knee-deep— no, waist-deep in Cannes (pre-fest, during fest, and post-fest), I’m really excited to take y’all (those of you who give a fuck) on this rollercoaster of a ride with me while I embrace everything about this new life of mine.

I get to teach myself and (re)learn an array of different things like patience, vulnerability, being comfortable alone, making friends, adulting, inevitably making mistakes, and embarking on a new career journey. And I have so many things to look forward to: healing, growing, being able to afford therapy, (maybe) finding love, and entering a new era of El.

So, me thinks this is where the first London Letters ends. Thanks for coming, I guess????

I’ll leave y’all with snapshots of Londontown from my pov until the next one? (Maybe?????)

ED out x.