So I started writing this on Sunday, Feb. 9 at 12:24 a.m., a few hours after my first post went live. I’m going to include a little excerpt of what was originally written that night, while I tried to piece together what was going through my head and explore the ways I could express it. This is a personal blog full of my unfiltered and uncensored thoughts, meaning there are no rules to things like this.

I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing awake considering I have work at 9:30 and I have to be up way before then. I guess I just got deep into my head because really, there’s nowhere else to go. Hence why I’m here. Oof. Imagine having so much time to spend in your head that you start driving yourself crazy, because you feel too much or you love too hard or you care so immensely for everyone but the one person who matters most: yourself.

El chilling in her bed 25 after midnight, wide awake and too in her feelings.

Yeah, I’m sorry you had to read that too.

Fast forward to the present day. I’m currently blasting Harry Styles’ Fine Line on my Macbook through Spotify. I’ve been home from class for a few hours now and still haven’t consumed any food, so I guess bare with me because I’m a completely different person when on an empty stomach.

Here it goes:

I’ve been feeling quite lonely lately. Anyone else?

And I’m not just saying this because Valentine’s Day has just passed. Seriously, the only company I’ve been able to keep recently have been the thoughts inside of my head, and they are driving me crazy (reference the overly-dramatic, sleep-deprived quote above).

And I guess yes, it allows time for self-reflection but I don’t need a whole lot. Definitely not the amount of time I’m getting.

And it’s kind of funny because I’ve never actually been able to phrase this into words either. It’s more like a feeling without definition or explanation. But I guess to sum it up: the loneliness doesn’t go anywhere, it just sticks.

There have been people who have filled the slot for a little bit, but have since come and gone. I think every month I have to filter through the contacts on my phone, just delete the ones who stopped texting me as much.

I’ve never been a crazy social person. I have a handful of friends so small, they could be counted on my fingers. I’m an intriguing individual though, with a lot you could learn (if I let you).

But really, this is something I’ve been trying to wrap my head around for quite some time and to this day, I’m stumped. And when I tell you I’ve been trying to write this post all week long but without success, I’m serious.

I’ve stared at this post blankly, trying to formulate words and put them into sentences. But for some reason, I just end up backspacing the whole thing and then closing the tab, moving onto a different task before I can dwell on it much.

And before you ask: no, distraction doesn’t always work.

I’m content with being alone sometimes, there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, I welcome it with open arms. But, I have my days where I’m eager to find a distraction and come up with nothing.

I think this post might have reached the point where I’m rambling with no clear point. Like those stream of consciousness writing exercises they make you do in high school.

“Write down every single thought that comes to mind on paper in the next minute. Don’t second guess anything and write everything down.“

Welcome to the inside of El’s head: a real-life stream of consciousness writing exercise.

Glad you could make it.

Have you ever been in my position before? Do you feel like your thoughts sometimes end up being a stream of consciousness exercise? Let me know in the comments down below!

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Listen to: The Night Me and Your Mama Met // Childish Gambino